even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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