I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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