Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
