I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
