everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My penis needs a shock collar
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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