I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
