im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
