her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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