Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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