so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
