Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
