distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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