What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
