wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
