I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
