May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Randomize
