Michael Bay diarrhea
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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