I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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