I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
