Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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