FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Randomize
