I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
