a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
