I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
