Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
