i just had sex bonerless
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
