Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
