I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
