did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
