how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Your penis caused this!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
