well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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