It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
