if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
