i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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