That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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