I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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