I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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