that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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