it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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