Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk is not a location!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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