Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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