did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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