found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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