I have demons in me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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