My liver just broke up with me...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
