there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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