I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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