Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
