my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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