You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
