I can text with my tongue
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
