he was CRYING into my vagina
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
