Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
